new year

This year has been definietly a new year for me. Perhaps, because I realized many things
that was happening in my life that was so wrong. I didn't have self-confidence. i let people
get to me psycologically therefore making me look down on myself.

Recently, I heard from my theo prof that suffering comes from the imagination but the feeling
of suffering was very real. If one is suffering one must think that others have felt the same
way, but if you see someone suffering you should treat is as a unique feeling. I guess my
other classmates didn't care about this topic, but i really was taken aback by what she said.

It was the truth. All my suffering are based on my imagination. I always hear my friends
complementing other people and somehow I got to the point that i always see other people as
greater than me. This was not real because I am no lesser than them. My mispersception made
suffer. I was too optimistic of other people and too pessimistic of myself.

I remember after high school I promised myself to never be affected of what others think of
me, but i guess it was a hypocrital thought for me. It was stupid. A person would never be
not affected by others because whether we hide it or not, we do have a heart. I thought I
was finally proud of myself but in reality I was not. I was continuously trying to reach up
to the standards that other people specially the people who i like romantically. If he
complains that I'm too conservative, I try my best not to be. If he says that I'm not sweet
enough, I try to get sweet and thoughtful.

This was so wrong. I was losing my identity that I loved. I thought that I was just
compromising because I thought that he was right. I didn't stop to think if it was for the
good of me. Sure, our relationship would get better but I would be losing who I was. I
don't blame that person though. I blame myself for being too insecure of myself. i should've
fought for myself. I should have considered myself first if I was what he thought me to be.
I am so pathetic.

My insecurities of what I am is one of my greatest weakness. Maybe because I was never
complimented in my family? No, it's another excuse. I'm just weak minded. I will not make
role models of others anymore. I will build myself to be my own role model.