new year

This year has been definietly a new year for me. Perhaps, because I realized many things
that was happening in my life that was so wrong. I didn't have self-confidence. i let people
get to me psycologically therefore making me look down on myself.

Recently, I heard from my theo prof that suffering comes from the imagination but the feeling
of suffering was very real. If one is suffering one must think that others have felt the same
way, but if you see someone suffering you should treat is as a unique feeling. I guess my
other classmates didn't care about this topic, but i really was taken aback by what she said.

It was the truth. All my suffering are based on my imagination. I always hear my friends
complementing other people and somehow I got to the point that i always see other people as
greater than me. This was not real because I am no lesser than them. My mispersception made
suffer. I was too optimistic of other people and too pessimistic of myself.

I remember after high school I promised myself to never be affected of what others think of
me, but i guess it was a hypocrital thought for me. It was stupid. A person would never be
not affected by others because whether we hide it or not, we do have a heart. I thought I
was finally proud of myself but in reality I was not. I was continuously trying to reach up
to the standards that other people specially the people who i like romantically. If he
complains that I'm too conservative, I try my best not to be. If he says that I'm not sweet
enough, I try to get sweet and thoughtful.

This was so wrong. I was losing my identity that I loved. I thought that I was just
compromising because I thought that he was right. I didn't stop to think if it was for the
good of me. Sure, our relationship would get better but I would be losing who I was. I
don't blame that person though. I blame myself for being too insecure of myself. i should've
fought for myself. I should have considered myself first if I was what he thought me to be.
I am so pathetic.

My insecurities of what I am is one of my greatest weakness. Maybe because I was never
complimented in my family? No, it's another excuse. I'm just weak minded. I will not make
role models of others anymore. I will build myself to be my own role model.

I feel ugly. I feel rejected. I feel fat. I feel betrayal. I feel sick. I feel stupid.

I'm feeling what I shouldn't be feeling because this is unhealthy. My friends say its in my head and I should move on. I try yet I fail. I feel alone like nobody would be able to
understand what I'm going through. Somebody even told me to get a shrink. Should I? Why is
that I'm going insane. Why do I feel so uncntent in my life? I want to be rich, beautiful
and be loved, but I don't feel those things. Perhaps I'm ridiculous in the first place to
want all those things, but even if I told that to myself, I still feel it. I still feel
lonely because I don't get what I want. Are these all in my head? I keep asking myself that.

At school, I always see others which are materialization of what I want to become. I want to be intelligent, pretty, and loved by others. I keep asking myself..do I have fewer friends than them because I wasn't friendly enough and so I can't join their wagon? am I not pretty enough for myself only and not to others? I hear people complementing me yet sometimes I
just shrug it off because they know me. Am I that a doubtful person?

Honestly, it was only during college when I felt this alone. I don't know why. Maybe I
wasn't able to mesh with other people enough to have new friends. Is this just simply a
fact of life or am I really bound to be alone in college? God..I really feel so alone right now. I'm so depressed.

Are all of this pressure my imagination? I hope so. I feel so depressed. I don't know if I'm just pushing myself too hard. I just want to have a fairy tale life. This is insane..I don't know what's happening to me.

Sunday Morning Call

here's another sunday morning call
yer hear yer head-a-banging on the door
slip your shoes on and then out you crawl
into a day that couldn't give you more
but what for?

and in your head do you feel
what you're not supposed to feel
you take what you want
but you won't get it for free
you need more time
cos your thoughts and words won't last forever more
but i'm not sure if it ever works out right
but it's ok. it's all right

when yer lonely and you start to hear
the little voices in your head at night
you will only sniff away the tears
so you can dance until the morning light
at what price

and in your head do you feel
what you're not supposed to feel
you take what you want
but you won't get it for free
you need more time
cos your thoughts and words won't last forever more
but i'm not sure if it ever works out right
but it's ok. it's all right

and in your head do you feel
what you're not supposed to feel
you take what you want
you don't get hope for free
you need more time
cos your thoughts and words won't last forever more
and i'm not sure if it'll ever, ever, ever work out right
will it ever, ever, ever work out right?
cos it never, never, never works out right