being true to myself and to you

Right now, as I am writing this entry, I am hurting because I just lost a special person in my life. I do hope though that as he is deleting my text messages, he won’t do the same with me. I hope that he wouldn’t erase me. I know I have caused so much hurt to his heart nonetheless I don’t want to lose him completely. It’s a slap on the face: To hurt someone you care so much by your mere presence. It’s a helpless situation where you don’t know what will happen. Do you save yourself or risk it? All the things that are happening are so surreal and time after time I wish everthing was just a dream. There was no surprise. There was no him. Nothing. But no, everything is really happening and I feel so terrible because I have caused sad memories and sad moments.

I always say that I live by the moment, the instances in my life where I could definitely say that I was alive. I cherish it even though the fact of how bad things turned out looms like a fog. It is my belief that living through the pain makes me human. I know that I am meant to feel pain. I know that I was truthful with myself and with him. It would be unfair to both parties if I did otherwise. I know that somehow I had the power of making everything seem perfect but I did not do it because I know that the perfect world that I would create would be, in all its essence, a big lie. I would not be myself therefore making myself the lie itself. I don’t want to pretend. Again, I could say that throughout the entire situation, I was truthful. I did not lie. No regrets.

Also, if that person is reading this, I’m telling you this: I did not put my mind over my heart. I put some thought on this and I had concluded that to love IS to love. Time or place or person isn’t a factor that one should dwell upon when love comes along your way. Long distance relationships can be tried. It just so happened that my heart was slow to love or even like. It was all me, and my heart hasn’t given me the go signal yet. I think I was getting fond of you, but I was not yet in love or like for that matter at this time. Yes, it is frustrating, but you just can’t force emotions right? Maybe if you had all the time in the world, I think maybe the perfect world might became a reality.

Sorry.

for you pinsan, with love from me

Yes pinsan, I’m writing this for you. Although today our kickboxing session did not pushed through and although we were bored at your house, I could say that my time there was great. I don’t know actually what part of the afternoon it happened, but I was actually rejuvinated in a sense and for the first time in many months, I didn’t notice the loneliness of commuting today. Parang I was VERY content with what had transpired this day kahit na yung expectations for the day did not happen. All your kwentos about the people at UST in a bizzare way brought about it a message to me: You can enjoy school while being a nerd. You can have the right kind of berks and going out with them while still studying profusely. I know this might sound very malabo and all but really it made me content for some reason. In light of our reminisces of Mr. See. I’ll try to write a simple poem for you.

Tula Para sa Aking Pinsang Taga-Retiro

Kahit di ka nagrereply
Kahit lagi ka nagzozone out sa mga bagay-bagay
Nais kong iparating sa’yo na happy ako
Makidaldal, makiexercise, at makilabas
Kasama ka: dati, ngayon at kailanman
Dahil ewan ko ba
Alam ko yatang di mo ako pababayaan
O naks diba?
Kahit hindi ito tunay na tula
Kahit na medyo mababaw ang pagkarhyme
Ang dulot nitong ngiti sa iyong mga labi
Ang magiging rason para maging tunay na literatura
Itong mumunting “Tula Para sa Aking Pinsang Taga-Retiro”
Sana lamang walang ibang tao dyan ang magkuro-kuro
Sa aking gramatikang palpak

I’ll be expecting your comment pinsan =) hihihihi….I didn’t share this kanina because I was semi-shy. Forgive me.

flashbulb memory

There’s something about music that brings you back in time to those moments of utter bliss, sadness, and contentment. If you don’t know what I mean then try listening to music without doing anything. Before you know it, you would be spacing out to those moments in your past where there were great emotions involved: getting your first heartbreak, seeing your crush, watching your favorite television show, the first anime you watched, those childhood games you played with you friends, the silly bickering in high school.

Right now, I’m listening to the “Full House” OST; and I’m reminded of those silly episodes in the koreanovela. Although I don’t understand even one word of the lyrics, the melody of it invokes some feelings of warmth that only those particular songs can. With those memories about the series, simultaneously, I’m also reminded of those feelings of contentment that I had during those times where “Full House” was most popular. My day was complete just by watching this 30 minute series. I was really content on what I had back then.

I guess, college has that affect on life. It makes things more complicated because you get more involved with your feelings of peer pressure and adaptability with the new environment. Or was my high school so protective of us? I can’t pinpoint when all of these negative feelings came, but this feeling is making my life more complicated than it is already.

Music in itself is my own version of escapism through the hardships of life. It has the power to revert us back to those times where you are most comfortable with. Maybe it is the reason why I’m so into music nowadays. While I’m reminscing about my past life, I’m also recording these sad moments in those heart warming melodies/notes/lyrics for future use. I must admit that not all the music will make me smile, but I’m still glad that somehow, my cherished moments were “stored” and that by listening to songs I’m able to go back in time and actually feel “it” happening again.

jerk or no jerk?

How would you define a jerk? Is it somebody who doesn’t have gratitude to anybody? Is it somebody who breaks all the rules of humanity that was set upon us by our ancestors? Or is it somebody who acts selfishly and hurts those people who loved him dearly?

I’ve known a person who gets addicted to some game to the extent that he wouldn’t mind if his girlfriend gets upset and breaks up with him. I’ve also known a person who breaks up with his girlfriend just because his friends told him that his current girlfriend is ugly.

Are these things the works of a jerk? Or are these things the product of childishness that comes once in a while in a human’s behavior? Do you start branding someone as a jerk because of his actions at a certain circumstance or when he’s bad to only some people but not all?

Suppose that you know someone who has an excellent way of thinking philisophically and does things according to his beliefs that according to him is the most appropriate way to live your life. You’re intrigue by his reasons and find it proper, yet you see and hear these people who have known him in the past and some in the present have this indefinable anger/resentment towards him. How do you find out if the person you know is not what other people tell you to be? Do you judge according to the treatment he gives you in the present and ignore his past because you think your friend has already shown ill feelings towards his past self or vice versa? Would you just leave a friend when he “accidentally” slips back to his old self?

For me, the best thing to do is to confront this friend and tell him that what he’s doing is childish/selfish. But life is not simple. Life has its own complications. There are many factors that you have to fix first kinda like tackling the mini-bosses then going for the real big boss. When one thinks logically, the situation would be too complicated to even solve. But the heart would say the opposite. The situation is a way to further fortify the friendship. Yes, it is somewhat pathetic; but I think it’s worth the try. Better try than nothing eh?

“Deep friendship doesn’t depend on how many times friends spend time together or how happy they are. It’s the time when you never see them yet keep on believing that the friendship will stay forever.” – text quote from JL